this entry was written on 14th September 2024
i thought things would not sting as badly anymore now, after 7 months. but man, little did i know that everything still aches- im just better at concealing it & finding ways to 'channel' it. journaling, self-talking, making a stupid list of the things that i should be grateful for to shift my focus, in hope that all these would alter my way of thinking. "distract yourself" "get busy" "just dont think about him"- they said. at times, i felt like all i do was gaslighting and manipulating myself into thinking that i should be okay and no other feelings are allowed for me to acknowledge and shift my focus to.
but honestly, how do i not think of you when for the past 5 years, you- of all people, had been the one to first come to my mind on a daily. have you eaten? did you miss the alarm clock? how do you cope when you feel low? who do you run to when you need a shoulder to cry on? are you safe? are your parents well? do you get on with your dad? what about your sister? how is she? have you eaten steak at least once each month? what series are you binging now? - and the list continues.
some say that this is the price we pay for love. the heartache and heartbreak are the receipts we wave in the air, showing to others that we did it- we gave our all, we tried, and we loved well. and if that's the case, how should i react to it? is it a pride or a shame? do i feel proud that i still feel deeply of it? or is this something to be ashamed of? it's always so confusing when i try to view it objectively. but, it could be the people pleaser in me that feels the need to let go immediately and be clandestine about the feelings i experience every now and then. now, talking about now and then; i see you every now and then- in my dreams, where i would call your name endlessly, but they were all to no avail. at first, i could feel my heart in anguish, but as time goes by, it felt somewhat better since i've mastered the ability to wake myself up mid dream. though it's a relief, it has never failed to leave me feeling dumbfounded.
what happened actually? wait, i know. we tried. tried and tried. but they were all in vain. though i could still see a glimpse of hope amidst the chaos- but that's the thing. only i saw it. by that time, we didn't see eye to eye anymore and everything seemed... futile in your eyes. or was it because i have always seen potentials in you? or was it because i have always been painting this picture of you, being someone you aren't? did i put too much hope on you?
as much as it ripped my heart open when you finally spoke your mind, i could never hate you for doing that. though it was heart-wrenching to swallow the bitter truth, all i could do then and continue to do now is to let you go. knowing that i'm now a certain uncertainty in your life and no longer the one to occupy your mind first thing in the morning, that lingers at the back of your mind throughout the day, nor am i the last one that leaves your head at night, is agonising. but still, i can't loathe you... and i never will.
well, i'm not sure where this is heading. but i guess, i just have to keep on moving. keep trying and put up a strong front. been through multiple heartbreaks but nothing is quite like this one. i guess, you really do pay the price for how deep your love is for that person. perhaps, there is silver lining to it- at least, that's what people have been telling me.
