Thoughts on letting go.

Letting go has always been one of the hardest things to do in life. It teaches you a lesson that not everything is meant to be yours forever. It could refer to a thing, a feeling, a habit or even a person. Letting go reminds you that you’re never in control of the things around you and things happen because He said so. As hard as it seems like to swallow this pill, but it is the harsh reality that all of us should learn to face. But however, you ARE in control of how are you going to deal with some things if it kinda fucked up along the way- and I admit it, this shit is the hardest.

To me personally, letting go of a person is the hardest. Whether it is due to death, breakups or even friends-breakup. All three have their own shits for us to deal with. I’ve been through all three and it sucks big time. They were once your routine and when you wake up one day, everything is gone. Not even a single memory made you smile anymore, in fact, you might taste the bitterness of it at the tip of your tongue whenever you say their names. And things just don’t get better when you walk pass by the streets or places that you had once shared memories together with him/ her/ them. At that time, all you might think of is; ‘oh damn’. Without realizing, tears might start rolling down your cheeks and you got caught up in the moment.

Letting go starts off with acceptance. Accept that things have already happened and make yourself truly understand about the real situation that you are in. Stop fantasizing, stop sugar-coating, and stop denying. Once you’ve learned to accept, then only you can start to let go of it slowly.

I first learned the true meaning of ‘letting go’ when my father passed away a few years back. That was when I was 12 years old. That was my first ever heartbreak. In fact, the realest one. I started to comprehend that letting go requires a lot of courage, a lot of effort and a lot of patience. Even after I’ve accepted the fact that he’s gone, sometimes, I still caught myself crying whenever I look at his pictures or when his songs start to play on the radio. I guess letting go due to death of your loved ones is another type pain that you will never be able to get over. I mean, they’re still alive in your heart. My dad is still alive in me and in all of us. I guess this is the type of loss that I will never get over and that is totally fine, as long as I’ve learned the concept of redha. It is when I don’t question why He took away him and put us in this kind of situations anymore. Alhamdulillah, it took a while for us all to get the concept of ‘redha’ but we did it.

There’s a beauty behind letting go. It allows you to feel tranquil. It removes the loads that you’ve been carrying over your shoulders, the wrath that you’ve been feeling- almost exploding in your chest, and the grudges that you’ve been holding- almost deteriorating you from the inside. Literally, you will feel relieved. However, it is never an easy journey. Well, nothing good comes easy right? You will constantly find yourself questioning every single thing that is happening around you. You might even lose your sanity to the point you start wearing all sorts of façades to cover up everything. You lose control and you lose the most important person in your life- You.

Right now, I am kinda facing some losses too. I realized that I would never fit in some peoples’ frames. And they never want me in it too- I was never welcomed in the first place. I always hold on to the sayings that go; kindness is limitless and treat others the way you want them to treat you. Well, I did. But some acts just won’t reciprocate and I gotta face the music. I really thought I could keep some of them till the end of my life but I thought wrong. As a result, now, I can literally count the people that I have left, using only one hand- and that would even leave some vacant spots too. Heartbreaking. Devastating. And just… pathetic. hehehe

Maybe some might think that it is normal to only have a few instead of many. But that’s the thing. I am never used to having a small number of friends. I’ve been so used to being accompanied and attached to a person or a group- to the point that I would go extra miles for them- when they wouldn’t even take a step for me. I’ve ignored all the red flags, just so I could be with them and be ‘recognized’ as their friends. There are days when we’re okay but it takes up a lot of energy and motives for us to be in that state. And it really is tiring for me. I can’t keep up with it and I’ve wasted a lot of my tears on the same shit.

But that’s okay. Maybe God is telling me that it is time for me to find myself back. It is time for me to pat my own back and say ‘hey, you got me’. It is time for me to tell myself that ‘you’re enough, and you’re worth it’. Maybe God is also telling me that they’ve served their purposes in my life once and that is enough. Maybe I should start seeing the bright side of what’s left with me and of me now. Maybe less means more?

There are a lot of things that I wanna work on starting from now, such as letting go of the people whom I really wanna have in my life, but unfortunately are not good for me. And also not giving a damn about it later. It’s really hard for me to see the bright side of everything right now as I’m literally at my lowest at the moment. But surely, I am progressing every day and is approaching the light at the end of the tunnel, someday. If not soon then later. Well, let’s hope I really do make it till the end okay!

Happy 2020 to everyone and may it be a prosperous year for each one of you!😄