oof 👀

"Berkawan biar seribu, berkasih biar satu"

You ever just sit there and think to yourself on how far you’ve come? All of the hurdles that you managed to leap over in the past, to get you to where you are at the moment? This is such a random thought, but a few days back as I was going through my archived pics/ videos on Instagram, it just hit me. I realized that the person I am today, is not even close to the person I was a year ago- or even a few months ago. And for that, I am grateful and proud of myself for outgrowing my old self. I used to think that it was a bad thing to do- outgrowing your old self. I used to want to be my old self- in fact, I even cried about becoming this less cheerful and more uptight person that I am now. But then I realized, do I really need to be like that forever? I mean, until when will I learn the bitter truth that this world holds if I keep on seeing the ‘bright side’ in everything. Don’t get me wrong though, it is good to see the bright side in everything, it’s just that, sometimes you really just have to hit rock bottom to learn and be a better version of yourself. And sometimes, if the situation gets really dark and bad and you can’t see the bright side of it, then let it be. Take your time, be patient and you are allowed to feel the sadness and darkness that are hugging you from behind. Patience is the key and let yourself feel what you hv to feel at that time. Forcing yourself to see the bright side and to be okay, will only deteriorate you from within. Let time do its work, let Him guide you, let yourself follow the mood. However, by dwelling too much on it will also make things worse, so, be moderate in everything. Reach out to people or just talk to Him or yourself.

Imagine if I keep on being vulnerable? – the one who always gives chances to people (even after tons of time being wronged by them) – the one who is always trying to hold everything up- always being the one fixing everything- always the one who puts in effort in everything. Just imagine how fucked up I would be right now? My present self would smack my old self if I continued being like that. I mean, it’s not like I’ve changed completely. I’m still the friendly, approachable, talkative, cheerful one. It’s just that along the way, I’ve learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt. Berkawan biar seribu, berkasih biar satu.

Despite being in a better state right now, I do admit that sometimes I faced a few relapses and breakdowns. The terrifying traumatic memories that I faced back then will randomly pop up in my mind- even in my sleep. When this happens, I could really feel my heart beating so fast as if my chest is about to burst- sometimes I even cried.

But that’s the thing about memories and traumas. They follow you everywhere you go and will be there at the back of your mind for the rest of your life. I guess it’s there for a purpose too- helps to remind yourself to not be stupid :’) and be wiser in making decisions. The bitter memories however, do not define who you are in the present.

Do know that. Stupid mistakes were done in the past and that’s just it- it’s in the past and no matter how ashamed you are of it; you just have to live with it and move forward. It requires a lot of effort for you to make peace with it and indeed, nothing comes easy and good things come to those who wait. And whenever you feel like collapsing, remind yourself on how you managed to pull through those sleepless nights when you cried yourself out silently and alone. Remember those times when you succeeded in putting up a smile on your face, concealing everything beneath it, and those times when you survived facing these people whom have wronged you so many times.

Do know that, you worth more than your past. Sometimes we made stupid decisions and we chose the wrong paths, but sometimes, we learn things the hard way. What matters now is; move forward and learn from your past. It takes a lot of practice & patience and believe me, no one’s rushing you. Take your time to heal and stand on your own feet. I promise you and I promise to myself too, that we’ll get there someday. Soon. Have faith and trust His process. Leave everything to Him, and master the art of letting God. 

For now, enjoy your journey and remember that life is a learning process- so don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes along the way. It’s a part of the process and a part of growing up.

Oh, and remember; just because you have forgiven the people whom have wronged you, you are not obligated to befriend them now or be as close as you guys were before. Being acquaintances to each other would already suffice too. Do what’s best for your own peace of mind. Sometimes, it's also the best for both parties to agree to not acknowledge each other. Because forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.