6ft Under

 

I no longer leave the door on the latch

Nor do i keep it slightly ajar for you

Don’t look for the keys beneath the doormat 

Nor should you rummage the hollow porcelains by the door

I’ve tucked them neatly in a box

Buried six feet deep 

In the graveyard behind my mind

Where I’d come and visit, every now and then—

drop some flowers, smile at old jokes we shared before, and feel a sting at what could’ve been avoided

But there’s no going back

You won’t find me exhuming the past anymore 

May you rest in peace, and may I remain to be in one piece

                                                                             —camilla

no revenge because I know I loved deeply, gave my all and my intentions were true and sincere. you were true, and so were we. so long, I hope you live well. may you find a love that never clips your wings or dims your light. 

a certain uncertainty.

this entry was written on 14th September 2024

i thought things would not sting as badly anymore now, after 7 months. but man, little did i know that everything still aches- im just better at concealing it & finding ways to 'channel' it. journaling, self-talking, making a stupid list of the things that i should be grateful for to shift my focus, in hope that all these would alter my way of thinking. "distract yourself" "get busy" "just dont think about him"- they said. at times, i felt like all i do was gaslighting and manipulating myself into thinking that i should be okay and no other feelings are allowed for me to acknowledge and shift my focus to.

but honestly, how do i not think of you when for the past 5 years, you- of all people, had been the one to first come to my mind on a daily. have you eaten? did you miss the alarm clock? how do you cope when you feel low? who do you run to when you need a shoulder to cry on? are you safe? are your parents well? do you get on with your dad? what about your sister? how is she? have you eaten steak at least once each month? what series are you binging now? - and the list continues. 

some say that this is the price we pay for love. the heartache and heartbreak are the receipts we wave in the air, showing to others that we did it- we gave our all, we tried, and we loved well. and if that's the case, how should i react to it? is it a pride or a shame? do i feel proud that i still feel deeply of it? or is this something to be ashamed of? it's always so confusing when i try to view it objectively. but, it could be the people pleaser in me that feels the need to let go immediately and be clandestine about the feelings i experience every now and then. now, talking about now and then; i see you every now and then- in my dreams, where i would call your name endlessly, but they were all to no avail. at first, i could feel my heart in anguish, but as time goes by, it felt somewhat better since i've mastered the ability to wake myself up mid dream. though it's a relief, it has never failed to leave me feeling dumbfounded. 

what happened actually? wait, i know. we tried. tried and tried. but they were all in vain. though i could still see a glimpse of hope amidst the chaos- but that's the thing. only i saw it. by that time, we didn't see eye to eye anymore and everything seemed... futile in your eyes. or was it because i have always seen potentials in you? or was it because i have always been painting this picture of you, being someone you aren't? did i put too much hope on you?

as much as it ripped my heart open when you finally spoke your mind, i could never hate you for doing that. though it was heart-wrenching to swallow the bitter truth, all i could do then and continue to do now is to let you go. knowing that i'm now a certain uncertainty in your life and no longer the one to occupy your mind first thing in the morning, that lingers at the back of your mind throughout the day, nor am i the last one that leaves your head at night, is agonising. but still, i can't loathe you... and i never will. 

well, i'm not sure where this is heading. but i guess, i just have to keep on moving. keep trying and put up a strong front. been through multiple heartbreaks but nothing is quite like this one. i guess, you really do pay the price for how deep your love is for that person. perhaps, there is silver lining to it- at least, that's what people have been telling me. 

 

Go back to the start 🔄

December means... It's time for Spotify Wrapped! And, of course, I didn't miss out on the fun too! I think the moment Spotify released it, everybody instantly started to upload their 2021 Wrapped on their IG stories or Twitter or perhaps... Facebook too (?) 😅 I personally think this is one of Spotify's ways to win our hearts. They just KNOW that everyone loves it when their actions are being acknowledged. C'mon who doesn't like it when people remember even the tiniest detail about them? On a side note tho; I heard that Spotify didn't give enough credit to the person behind the idea who was just an intern there at that time when she proposed the idea to the team 👀 Let's hope justice prevails for her, shall we? Because honestly, it sucks when this happens, especially seeing how it's become a hit now. Anyway, now that we're at it, I wanna show you guys the song that Spotify suggested to be the opening theme song for my movie (in which I am the main character in it, DUHHH), and it is..... *insert drum roll sound (with cymbal sound at the end)* 

Kembali Ke Awal by Glenn Fredly 💚 (RIP)

No words can describe how I feel so much for this song- everything was beautifully written by him. Simply put, it's a masterpiece despite its simplicity. Nobody asks for a review (bcs there's nothing for you to read in between the lines pun for the song bcs it's soo straightforward) BUT HEY, I still wanna lay my thoughts here. so... here are my takeaway =>

So, kembali ke awal by Glenn Fredly is such a poignant song. It’s about putting hope in the same place that you have once lost it (pretty ironic and absurd isn't it?) The bottom line is, it's about starting over. It’s about giving another chance and trying the best to make it worth it because giving chances is like gambling- u never know the outcome. u never know if they wld screw the chances, or wld it be worth it. the song emphasizes on providing reasons for us to hold on to something/ someone. yes. reasons. you do realize that reasons are what makes us hold on to something/ someone so dearly. we never truly see a person objectively (unless it's the first time meeting them BUT STILL, you would take their appearances into account too right? nah, don't lie to me, I know it all too well 😉), it's always subjective and very often, there is an invisible bag of 'reasons' that they carry along with them: reasons that make us choose to stay (or not) with them no matter the circumstances. 

I believe that not everyone wld truly appreciate chances. and I 100% believe that there are chances-abusers out there 😵 hence, someone once told me that chances shld not be given, but shld be earned. I’m a sucker for second chances- or even tons of them. however, along the way, I also realized that I’ve given too much to some people to the point where it became detrimental. but did I regret giving them tons of chances? nope. because at least I know that I’ve played all of my cards, and I’m certain of walking away too. at least I know that I’ve tried my best, and some things just meant to end. now, putting hope in the same person that once has hurt us is never easy. . some might find that u’re cruel for not giving out chances, some might label u as stupid for giving out too many chances. there’s no right or wrong in this (because we are emotionally driven). However, imo, do what makes u feel better. like how my friend likes to say; do the things that make u sleep better at night. not everybody has the same way of thinking as u and we never actually truly know what lies in one’s heart. u see, when it comes to the person that we once loved or once shared good memories with, u can rarely say no to giving out chances to them. we’re humans after all, how can we be objective about everything? so don't mock someone else for doing this or that. u never know until u walk in their shoes.

whenever u receive chances from someone, always remember that hope comes along with it. hope is something fragile and shld never be abused. this is why we shld make the chances we’ve received worth it. the cruelest thing to do to a person is to crush their hopes. to see a hopeful person collapse, wld be one of the ugliest sights for us to look at. so, if u think that chances aren’t serious just bcs they’re easily given to u, then think again. Sebelum nasi menjadi bubur, appreciate them, prove to them that u’re worth the chances that are given, and provide more reasons for them to hold on to. 

Lbnl, I wld like to highlight this one line from the song that goes: “berjarak dengan waktu, semoga mendewasakan”. it simply means that time is crucial for change. nothing can ever be done overnight- changes especially. it takes time for us to outgrow our old selves and improve. hence, along with hope, patience shld tag along. with a pinch of hope and patience, we can definitely make our second chance worth it. 

Ps: despite me telling you to do what makes you feel better, ALWAYS seek advice from the ones that you trust. they see things objectively and most importantly, they want the things that are best for you. you can give a lot of chances to a person, but remember that if it exhausts you, stop. if you feel like it's not right, stop. if your hunch says otherwise, stop. learn to stop when it's time to. keep in mind that relationships/friendships shouldn't be exhausting. get a good support system, and you're good to go 💙

oof 👀

"Berkawan biar seribu, berkasih biar satu"

You ever just sit there and think to yourself on how far you’ve come? All of the hurdles that you managed to leap over in the past, to get you to where you are at the moment? This is such a random thought, but a few days back as I was going through my archived pics/ videos on Instagram, it just hit me. I realized that the person I am today, is not even close to the person I was a year ago- or even a few months ago. And for that, I am grateful and proud of myself for outgrowing my old self. I used to think that it was a bad thing to do- outgrowing your old self. I used to want to be my old self- in fact, I even cried about becoming this less cheerful and more uptight person that I am now. But then I realized, do I really need to be like that forever? I mean, until when will I learn the bitter truth that this world holds if I keep on seeing the ‘bright side’ in everything. Don’t get me wrong though, it is good to see the bright side in everything, it’s just that, sometimes you really just have to hit rock bottom to learn and be a better version of yourself. And sometimes, if the situation gets really dark and bad and you can’t see the bright side of it, then let it be. Take your time, be patient and you are allowed to feel the sadness and darkness that are hugging you from behind. Patience is the key and let yourself feel what you hv to feel at that time. Forcing yourself to see the bright side and to be okay, will only deteriorate you from within. Let time do its work, let Him guide you, let yourself follow the mood. However, by dwelling too much on it will also make things worse, so, be moderate in everything. Reach out to people or just talk to Him or yourself.

Imagine if I keep on being vulnerable? – the one who always gives chances to people (even after tons of time being wronged by them) – the one who is always trying to hold everything up- always being the one fixing everything- always the one who puts in effort in everything. Just imagine how fucked up I would be right now? My present self would smack my old self if I continued being like that. I mean, it’s not like I’ve changed completely. I’m still the friendly, approachable, talkative, cheerful one. It’s just that along the way, I’ve learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt. Berkawan biar seribu, berkasih biar satu.

Despite being in a better state right now, I do admit that sometimes I faced a few relapses and breakdowns. The terrifying traumatic memories that I faced back then will randomly pop up in my mind- even in my sleep. When this happens, I could really feel my heart beating so fast as if my chest is about to burst- sometimes I even cried.

But that’s the thing about memories and traumas. They follow you everywhere you go and will be there at the back of your mind for the rest of your life. I guess it’s there for a purpose too- helps to remind yourself to not be stupid :’) and be wiser in making decisions. The bitter memories however, do not define who you are in the present.

Do know that. Stupid mistakes were done in the past and that’s just it- it’s in the past and no matter how ashamed you are of it; you just have to live with it and move forward. It requires a lot of effort for you to make peace with it and indeed, nothing comes easy and good things come to those who wait. And whenever you feel like collapsing, remind yourself on how you managed to pull through those sleepless nights when you cried yourself out silently and alone. Remember those times when you succeeded in putting up a smile on your face, concealing everything beneath it, and those times when you survived facing these people whom have wronged you so many times.

Do know that, you worth more than your past. Sometimes we made stupid decisions and we chose the wrong paths, but sometimes, we learn things the hard way. What matters now is; move forward and learn from your past. It takes a lot of practice & patience and believe me, no one’s rushing you. Take your time to heal and stand on your own feet. I promise you and I promise to myself too, that we’ll get there someday. Soon. Have faith and trust His process. Leave everything to Him, and master the art of letting God. 

For now, enjoy your journey and remember that life is a learning process- so don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes along the way. It’s a part of the process and a part of growing up.

Oh, and remember; just because you have forgiven the people whom have wronged you, you are not obligated to befriend them now or be as close as you guys were before. Being acquaintances to each other would already suffice too. Do what’s best for your own peace of mind. Sometimes, it's also the best for both parties to agree to not acknowledge each other. Because forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

Thoughts on letting go.

Letting go has always been one of the hardest things to do in life. It teaches you a lesson that not everything is meant to be yours forever. It could refer to a thing, a feeling, a habit or even a person. Letting go reminds you that you’re never in control of the things around you and things happen because He said so. As hard as it seems like to swallow this pill, but it is the harsh reality that all of us should learn to face. But however, you ARE in control of how are you going to deal with some things if it kinda fucked up along the way- and I admit it, this shit is the hardest.

To me personally, letting go of a person is the hardest. Whether it is due to death, breakups or even friends-breakup. All three have their own shits for us to deal with. I’ve been through all three and it sucks big time. They were once your routine and when you wake up one day, everything is gone. Not even a single memory made you smile anymore, in fact, you might taste the bitterness of it at the tip of your tongue whenever you say their names. And things just don’t get better when you walk pass by the streets or places that you had once shared memories together with him/ her/ them. At that time, all you might think of is; ‘oh damn’. Without realizing, tears might start rolling down your cheeks and you got caught up in the moment.

Letting go starts off with acceptance. Accept that things have already happened and make yourself truly understand about the real situation that you are in. Stop fantasizing, stop sugar-coating, and stop denying. Once you’ve learned to accept, then only you can start to let go of it slowly.

I first learned the true meaning of ‘letting go’ when my father passed away a few years back. That was when I was 12 years old. That was my first ever heartbreak. In fact, the realest one. I started to comprehend that letting go requires a lot of courage, a lot of effort and a lot of patience. Even after I’ve accepted the fact that he’s gone, sometimes, I still caught myself crying whenever I look at his pictures or when his songs start to play on the radio. I guess letting go due to death of your loved ones is another type pain that you will never be able to get over. I mean, they’re still alive in your heart. My dad is still alive in me and in all of us. I guess this is the type of loss that I will never get over and that is totally fine, as long as I’ve learned the concept of redha. It is when I don’t question why He took away him and put us in this kind of situations anymore. Alhamdulillah, it took a while for us all to get the concept of ‘redha’ but we did it.

There’s a beauty behind letting go. It allows you to feel tranquil. It removes the loads that you’ve been carrying over your shoulders, the wrath that you’ve been feeling- almost exploding in your chest, and the grudges that you’ve been holding- almost deteriorating you from the inside. Literally, you will feel relieved. However, it is never an easy journey. Well, nothing good comes easy right? You will constantly find yourself questioning every single thing that is happening around you. You might even lose your sanity to the point you start wearing all sorts of façades to cover up everything. You lose control and you lose the most important person in your life- You.

Right now, I am kinda facing some losses too. I realized that I would never fit in some peoples’ frames. And they never want me in it too- I was never welcomed in the first place. I always hold on to the sayings that go; kindness is limitless and treat others the way you want them to treat you. Well, I did. But some acts just won’t reciprocate and I gotta face the music. I really thought I could keep some of them till the end of my life but I thought wrong. As a result, now, I can literally count the people that I have left, using only one hand- and that would even leave some vacant spots too. Heartbreaking. Devastating. And just… pathetic. hehehe

Maybe some might think that it is normal to only have a few instead of many. But that’s the thing. I am never used to having a small number of friends. I’ve been so used to being accompanied and attached to a person or a group- to the point that I would go extra miles for them- when they wouldn’t even take a step for me. I’ve ignored all the red flags, just so I could be with them and be ‘recognized’ as their friends. There are days when we’re okay but it takes up a lot of energy and motives for us to be in that state. And it really is tiring for me. I can’t keep up with it and I’ve wasted a lot of my tears on the same shit.

But that’s okay. Maybe God is telling me that it is time for me to find myself back. It is time for me to pat my own back and say ‘hey, you got me’. It is time for me to tell myself that ‘you’re enough, and you’re worth it’. Maybe God is also telling me that they’ve served their purposes in my life once and that is enough. Maybe I should start seeing the bright side of what’s left with me and of me now. Maybe less means more?

There are a lot of things that I wanna work on starting from now, such as letting go of the people whom I really wanna have in my life, but unfortunately are not good for me. And also not giving a damn about it later. It’s really hard for me to see the bright side of everything right now as I’m literally at my lowest at the moment. But surely, I am progressing every day and is approaching the light at the end of the tunnel, someday. If not soon then later. Well, let’s hope I really do make it till the end okay!

Happy 2020 to everyone and may it be a prosperous year for each one of you!😄

Bits & Pieces

I write because I find tranquility in it. I write because it will be permanent. Hence, I can always look back to it whenever I feel the need to. I write because it speaks for both my heart and mind. I spill most of my unsaid thoughts through writing because some things are too long and hard to explain. I write because no one can interrupt me while I’m speaking. This is a place where I spill my thoughts at. A place where I unveil the other side of me that I don’t show to most of the people as they might find it weird on how it contradicts with my character. I use this as my getaway. Known as nutellacrepe because it just reminded me of serenity and ofc Paris, France &&& the happy times that I had with my friends there back in 2013. And I know, the time will come when I can finally continue learning it. Currently, English is my major (but still, I can assure you that you’ll find some mistakes in my posts and I’m sorry to all grammar Nazis out there, thank you for understanding that I’m still learning, and LEARNING is a CONTINUOUS process). Anyhow, not here to seek popularity or whatnot, merely here to speak my mind. Oh and, welcome!